To know is not enough
I know I love you because I don’t mind the dampness of your sweat on my shirt, when i’m fresh from the shower. It leaves a stain, and smells of sweat, but it’s your sweat. I know I love you because I don’t mind you on my bed, dirty after training.
I know I love you because Iove you because I want to take care of you. I can’t stand to see you in pain. I stay in contemplative silence when you are in emotional pain. I can’t help but soothe your physical pain with a massage. I know I love you becuase when you suffer, I suffer too, from the knowledge that I cannot help you feel better. I wish that I could be enought, but I’m not.
I know I love you because I believe your every action is backed by good intention. I trust you with all my heart, rationally or irrationally, I believe the good in you. I know I love you because I will forgive you readily, because I know its hard for you too.
I know I love you because despite what other’s say, and what morality and ethics teaches me, when I’m with you, I don’t need anything else but your smile. And when you wear the face of exhaust or pain, my heart suddenly changes gear and I want to be strong for you.
I know I love you becuase you are the one that I try to understand, the understanding goes beyond what is expected of a girlfriend or lover, sometimes I feel perhaps it is unconditional. Perhaps that I deserve more , but I can’t help but accept you for who you are because I love you.
I know that I love you because as the cliche goes, I only want happiness for you. I want to see your dreams come true, I want to be the one to catch you when you fall, and to help you up, even if you don’t want any help becuase you are a man and hard to admit your weaknesses. I will help you silently. I know I love you because I want to be your harbor. Your home after a hard day, The warm embrace in the damp rain.
I know I love you because, all of this seems unnecessary to prove to myself I love you. I simply feel that you can give me strength to carry on, and I wish that you had the power to fulfill your dreams, I wish you slept more, not just 2 or 3 hours a night. I want no one to ever hurt you again. I never want to see your worry.
I know I love you because the story of us is worth telling to our grand kids, and yes, I know I love you because when you suggested that you wanted to see what our baby would look like, and I said sarcastically oh really, I secretly wished it were true, that you could forget everything in your past, and hoped that to you, I was enough, and that I could be your future.
But in reality I know I don’t love you enough because I am not willing to accept you with your baggage. I know I don’t love you enough, because I am your secret now, but if I weren’t, you would be mine. I know I don’t love you enough because I secretly think that I love you so dearly because, even though when you are not with me it feels like a part of my soul is detached from my being, in my heart I know that the world is cruel and we may not have a chance against society and obligations.
I know I don’t love you enough because regarding you rationality will trump emotions. What is love? Rational or emotional? But that is a question for later. For now, do i know yet, if i love you or love you enough.
